X-Files Episode 1 “Pilot” Review

Wonder why in the alien fuck someone is talking about The X-Files in 2022? Here’s an explanation; other than that maybe I have too much free time.

Episode 1 — “Pilot”

Directed by: Robert Mandel (The Substitute, The Rage: Carrie 2)

I want to believe……that the show gets better. Just kidding! First observances? I can’t tell who’s sexier. Mulder or Scully? I mean, damn. I haven’t seen this kind of sexual tension since Norman Bates and his mom (The Vera Farmiga version). Secondly, I’m very pleased that the attention of this show is focused on aliens, alien abductions, and alien abduction accessories. At least for the time being.

The episode begins with the silhouette of a man filled with TV static, chasing a woman through the woods before a bright light engulfs the frame. At this point I’m mentally preparing myself for the TV graphics of the 90’s. They didn’t spend the money on television back then that they do now. That’s okay. It adds to the novelty of the experience. Plus, the cheap CGI they would have used today would have had all of the same fakeness and none of the charm.

This is where we meet the mesmerizingly gorgeous Scully for the first time. Staring at some old white dudes who look like shittier Dave Thomas interviewing her to see if she’s the woman for a mysterious assignment, Scully does her best Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs impression. This is enough to get her the job of playing watchdog to “wild and crazy guy” Mulder. Mulder is a genius agent whos success has allowed him the opportunity to be a fucking weirdo. Like Kanye! Only not a shitty human.

It’s clear that the character of Mulder really makes this whole thing go. He’s a giant nerd (which is awesome) trapped in the tall and handsome as fuck body of David Duchovny (which would also be awesome and I don’t mean that in a sexual way). He’s a fast talker and kind of a douche, but it’s not on purpose. Just a guy who, to a massive fault, is only comfortable in his own skin. Which is why he can’t help but become a giddy schoolboy at any mention of the occult. Mulder has been relegated to “where’s my stapler” level basement digs but he’s still allowed to carry on his research. He knows that Scully has been sent to spy on him and busts her balls. She’s too professional to be offended though. Scully, as a respectful skeptic, seems stuck between thinking he’s totally full of shit and being intrigued by him. The two of them develop a nice Riggs and Murtagh relationship right off the bat and I’m a sucker for a buddy cop story.

ONTO THE ALIENS!

I am fuckin’ LOVING the alien hints dropping right off the bat here. A woman at the start of the episode is found dead with two small marks on her back. They look like if a vampire bit you but left moles instead of holes. There are multiple deaths across the country which feature the same marks, which feature an unknown organic compound (PSST FUCKING ALIENS!). Here’s the kicker though: Several of this woman's high school classmates also died of weird shit. The two agents are off to Bellefleur, Oregon where all this weird shit is happening.

As the plane starts its descent, there’s some gnarly turbulence which would make me completely shit my pants. Mulder however is hilariously listening to his portable CD player and laughing. He knows what’s up. Later while driving, the radio and the clocks in the car all go batshit. Mulder excitedly gets out of his car, grabs a can of neon orange spray pant and sprays a giant X in the road to mark the spot. Bellefleur is not only infuriating to spell but this place clearly is an alien weird shit hot spot. I googled it by the way and Bellefleur is a real place in Oregon.

When they arrive to exhume one of the bodies of the weird shit victims there’s a Pet Semetary sized gaffe where the casket is dropped and the body is revealed. While I say body, what I really mean is well….whatever this is:

Dude looks like he was burned alive, brought back to life, dipped in Satans literal asshole and burned again. Not normal. Some doofus on scene tried to say his body was replaced with an Orangutan. AN ORANGUTAN. Sorry, Sheriff of Buttfuckingham Palace but this is an alien. An alien in which Scully finds a tiny metal piece lodged in its face.

My favorite part of the episode (which is becoming a very lengthy recap) is on the way to the hotel when these two “soon to be banging, probably” agents are blinded by a bright light as the electronics in the car once again go wild. When they come to, Mulder realizes they lost nine minutes of time. He gets out of the car and what do you think is in the roadway? JASON VOORHEES! No, it’s the X he made earlier. Mulder immediately becomes an excited child upon realizing…..they’d been abducted! I, on the other hand would have had a different reaction which would have included having a panic attack and crying drunk in the shower after finally getting the courage to see if I still had a butthole. Let’s all hope those were tears of relief.

The two encounter ass loads of interference from the government officials and members of the town as they try to complete their investigation. Including having their hotel room featuring, naturally, ALL THE FUCKING EVIDENCE burned to the ground. However, they eventually discover that a previously abducted wheelchair bound victim of the same high school class and others who bore the mark of the Alien Mole Vampire were being drawn to the woods by this alien force.

Oh shit, I almost forgot the breast part of the episode! In an extremely character building moment Scully visits Mulders hotel room in the middle of the night in her under-roos and has him check her for alien marks. It’s about as sexy as a respectful moment between two attractive adults (one of whom is damn near naked) can get. Mulder however, shows that he’s a gentleman and instead uses this moment to explain how intense his love of weird alien shit is. After yelling at her for a minute about it, he reveals that his sister went missing after being abducted when they were children. He didn’t realize it until he was under hypnotherapy and had the memory that he was paralyzed by the aliens, unable to speak or move. It’s a great moment in the show that explains a lot about who these two are. With of course a dash of sexual tension. More like a smattering.

Eventually we find out this kid, who was supposed to be wheelchair bound, is running around in the woods ready to deliver another victim to the alien craft. While Scully and Mulder are trying to stop him a bright light once again appears. When it departs both kids were left behind unharmed. The boy, Billy, then reveals under hypnosis that all the kids of their class were abducted in the woods during graduation. The aliens would do weird shit tests to them and then kill them when they didn’t work out.

Back at the Wendy’s headquarters Scully tries to tell the shitty Dave Thomas brothers what they encountered. They told her to ‘shut the fuck up’ unless she has proof. All she could provide was the tiny metal thing that was in that alien abductees face. They tell her to scram and we see one the previously uninterested men filing the metal piece away in evidence with a bunch of other weird metal alien pieces. That guy knows! That guy fucking knows about aliens!

Thus concludes our broadcast day

Loving the show so far. I am also realizing after this extremely lengthy first episode recap that there’s a lot going on in this show and I’m here for it. Naked and willing. Like my Myspace profile used to read. See you in episode 2.